Flying on Thin Ice

Ok ....So picture this....you're about to die...and up till now life was a big funny joke..Suddenly it's all become a gray dark cloudy dank cold day...The sunshine has faded into the haze of a dead fog...and...you ain't laughing anymore..

What in the world is Radd on to about now?.....He's a psycho I tell ya!....And just what does this have to do with Helicopters?

Wait!....Just wait...I am not done yet!....

Ok...now...back to my story...

It all started when I was visiting some friends up north by the lake..(Romeo)...The lake was frozen and all the locals were out on the ice skating around a big circle like Bing Crosby in a White Christmas movie..And being the kind of funster that I fancy myself, I take off and make a quick trip to the nearest Wal-Mart for furry mittens, stocking hat with a fuzz ball dangling, Big thick wool socks with deer designs sewn in the top..And ofcourse the cheapest most expensive masculine looking pair of ice skates I could find...

Now it's back the lake with my snuggly wintery garb..

Sitting around the frozen shoreline by the communal camp fire, lacing up my wal-mart specials...I must have appeared more of a newbie than I was trying to let on.. because more than one person came by to give me advise and warnings about the hazards of a southern boy in a northern winter wonderland....Mainly how to keep from killing myself...Or being murdered by sweet little ole Mother Nature..

But what the heck?....It looked like fun ....It looked easy...And I really didn't hear a thing that was said..

Never having skated before..I'm not sure if I look more like Curly, Moe or Larry from the three stooges doing the backward windmill dance trying to keep my balance....Wubb wubb wubb.....Rule number one ...LET SOMEONE HELP YOU...Let someone hold your hand and hold you up until you've got your feet under you...

Rule number two LET SOMEONE HELP YOU..and keep you in the safe zone...
Rule number three....LET SOMEONE HELP YOU after you've fallen down....

Ok..Ok... Ok....so here I am now, drifting out of the safe circle ..away from where all the happy slappy graceful gliders and sliders are...I've got my feet locked in the forward position and I'm scooting like a stick man ..My knees feel like metal hinges on the tin man...But....hey...It's all cool...I can handle it....no problem...further and further I drift away from the funsters back by the shore...

Suddenly a quizzical look comes on my face as I realize I don't know how to turn this machine around?...If I make the slightest effort to correct anything or any bodily function I'm going to fall on my back...break both elbows and shatter the back of my skull like the shell of a soft boiled egg as it bounces off the ice...And humiliate myself...So I don't move....Not only do I not move...I'm too concerned with my own safety to even scream ....Don't do anything I hear the fool inside my head say...The opposite small tiny voice ( that I never listen to) is begging me just to lower myself to my butt and whimper a quiet uncle, raise the white flag.. (furry mittens) and admit that I'm not the sporty man I thought I was and call out for help...But no!...I just keep my frozen knees locked on the skates skimming across the frozen ice..

Just about the time I begin to relax enough to try an evasive movement...I hear the fateful sound of death....Crack...Cra....CRACK....."OH MY GOOD LORD...HAVE MERCY!!!"....I can't turn around!....I don't dare do anything radical like slamming myself quickly to all fours and scrounging like a bug for anything to grab onto...But I've got to do something...ANYTHING!..I'm going to die..I'm going to fall through the ice and let the current drag me along back down south to the ocean while I swim along underneath sucking for air bubbles???? CRACK!!...another CRACKkkkk..

Alright Skyboys....Back to reality......Lets talk wisdom and common sense...Huh?...Wha?.....Yep!...time to get the point across..

See I could have said a few simple sentences that you would have forgotten ...Or..I can try to get the point to sink in...

HELICOPTERS:::

You've learned how to hover...You've learned how to do mild forward flight and gentle figure eight's...If..and I say If everything stays in perfect harmony, you and your bird will be fine.. land in one piece and go back into the trunk of the car and back on the shelf at home...Perfectly unscratched for you to point at and tell your friends .."Yeah..I can fly that!"...nothin to it!.

But what happens if harmony turns to a puddle of crap?...what happens if your motor dies?...what happens if a gust of wind hits your worthless gyro and it turns nose in?....what happens if you loose a tail feather and your chopper transforms into a bay blade? Spinning so fast policemen and city buses stop to watch whats going to happen next?

What are the chances of the planets remaining lined up in perfect order for the lifetime of your whirlybird?....Nada!...that's what!...Nada...Never gonna happen....something is going to go south..and you better be ready when it does!

And how are you gonna do that?..How are you going to be ready?....Believe it or not...Two simple things.....Two simple things we all will learn the easy way or the heart break-in way......

Practice Autorotations... and Nose in...And just as soon as you possibly can after mastering hovering...and light FF..Not only will this get your hinny out of trouble or aleast many troubles...It will revamp your outlook on helicopters, increase your confidence and get you years ahead of the weekend hover dudes at the field...

Ofcourse you're thinking to yourself..."well, that's easier said than done?".....Nose IN?.....Auto's??...

Surprise!....It may be easier done than talked about....

The experts tell us that auto's can be learned easily by hovering your heli in as little as two feet off the deck and hitting the throttle hold switch and simply recovering and as normal...Then as you feel comfortable raise your bird a few feet at a time ..until you can drop it out of the sky from a little black speck...This also gets rid of the heebie geebies of flipping switches while flying..

Practicing Nose In is actually easier than Autorotations....Buahhh?....Liar?.....Big Jokester?......Not really...It's not only very easy but very fun....and very safe.....PUT THE STICKS BACK ON AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX ON THE GROUND...Go back through the lessons one by one..skid that momma around on the deck for a day or two and you'll be more than ready to nose in...(If you can tail in hover fairly easy)..(disclaimer, disclaimer)

If you can discipline yourself to stay on the floor and slide it around until you are comfortable YOU WILL FLY NOSE IN....and ...If and when you get into trouble you will be able to fly out of it!....

So your out on the ice...and you hear the crack of death...what do you do?.....easy!!....you have two choices...Auto in....(stop skating or flying immediately)...or....just turn nose in and skate back to the shore and those beautiful snow bunnies that have been flirting with you are still waiting with hot chocolate...

Radd?
What did I do while stuck out on the thin ice as it cracked all around me?...What did I do that saved my life....er,...uh.....Nothing!...I just made it up...Cheeesee...What did you expect?......Radd just telling you to learn nose in and auto's without being dramatic??....come on..you know me better than that!!....

Now?....what are you going to do?.....Are you the city slicker dude, retard moron?...you just going to skate out to the deep end of the lake only to suffer a mechanical failure and wait for the CRACK of the thin ice...Then do the Curly Joe and Moe backpedal.???